As you may have noticed - I have been trying to update my blog- first posting things I have begun writing but not had it in me to finish - so some clarification:
- as of today I am nearly 17 weeks pregnant, but posting things from earlier
- as of today, The Nugget has been two for a good 8 weeks or so...

I've found most things have taken a backseat to watching a 2 year old for a good portion of my waking hours and trying to fit the puking, migraines, random weeping and general negativity that come with my particular brand of pregnancy.
The good news...I have received some relief!!! Last time I got very little relief...but this time, around 15 weeks I had an epic meltdown one night about having completely lost any remnant of myself between not having any recognized work and being pregnant.  It was a sight to behold (I assume...I was sort of behind it all).  And then, like a mini-miracle, I woke up feeling good.  I went out to breakfast, ate real food including bread, and kept it all down through a trip to Ikea.  I then hit up 4 more stores on my own and hung out the rest of the day...no puking.  It was amazing.
Now to be fair- I have had bad days since then...more migraines...a day or two where nothing stayed down, and still getting sick every couple of days...I know- #whitepregnantgirlproblems, right? I'm not exactly a Syrian refuge here...so I have to keep things in perspective...but it is still a little rough.  Just not the rough I was anticipating it to be for much longer.
I have been to the grocery store and the park and cleaned and found other humans tolerable.  It's like the almost normal me.  My poor little nugget no longer needs to hold a bowl for mommy while I change her dookies - in fact, she's stopped imitating my "barf-face" every time she sees a metal bowl altogether. Huge improvements.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll stop this scattered update here, as it's nearly 9 and that's about 2 hours after my bedtime...

2 is a Good Number

Nugget turned 2!!! Yup, I have now (with some assistance-ahem) kept a small person alive for 2 years. That first year didn't go all that fast, but this second one made me understand all the parents who say "it goes so fast!"

Nugget is a big talker. She is also a dancer and a singer. And a jumper. Jumper should go first actually- because that consumes a lot of her day. She knows her shapes, at least 1/2 her letters (although she can recite the alphabet mostly), but colors are an uphill battle. She has dabbled in using the potty and taken swim lessons. She sleeps in a big girl bed after a nightly up and down routine. 

This year we opted to forgo the big Pinterest-worthy, expensive birthday bash and opted for a kiddie pool, hot dogs, and 9 of her little buddies. 

Now this post is about Nugget and not about Deuce- but I must note a strange gift from the universe. 

At 8 weeks pregnant, I was able to do NOTHING for the party. Exhaustion and intermittent violent vomiting keep me from the bare minimum most days. However, the day of the party I woke up with energy to hit 4 stores and prepare some food. I did get sick once or twice, but I was able to hang out and enjoy my baby's celebration. And it was a celebration that fit my nugget. Fun, relaxed, outdoors, and happy. 

Happy 2nd Birthday Nugget!!!

Run for the Border

Ok, seriously. What just happened here? I wish I could explain it. I wish someone could explain it to me.

I've always been able to pick the restaurant OR go to the restaurant someone else picked. I'm not a picky eater. 

Backup- announcement- I am once again pregnant. Early pregnant (6 weeks as I write this) but feeling it. Big time. In fact, I probably won't post this until I'm further along- but need to document tonight's phenomenon nonetheless. 

It started with an innocent thought. That boiling hot, spicy Korean tofu soup sounds good. I only get it with Auntie G or my mother-in-law because they can order for me. Within 30 minutes I wanted it so bad I couldn't find a comfortable way to lay in bed (which you think would be caused by the record heat that makes the craving even stranger). I have just entered my first "craving." This is nothing to joke about.  I feel a psycho-like need for spice taking over my body and mind and I don't know what I will be willing to do if it's not satisfied. 

With nugget, I had things that I knew I could stomach and thus, I would request more. Then once Mr. P decided to buy it in bulk, I would change my mind. However, I don't recall ever having a craving. And I know I never sent Mr. P out after to dark to fetch something. Until tonight. 

So I knew I wasn't getting Korean soup, but a Taco Bell 7-layer burrito makes up for most spice needs for me. And he went and got me one. Typing this, I 1/2 wish I had asked for 3, but that would make me more miserable than the one is going to make me- because face it, you don't puke, eat Taco Bell, then fall asleep and wake up feeling squeaky clean, you know? In fact. You don't do it sober. Ever. Until now. 

No, I'm Not...But I Was.

"Does anything hurt?" I've been asked this more in the last two weeks than any other time I remember. I keep answering "no," but all I want to say is "my heart."
It's interesting that the saddest thing I ever remember happening to me leads me to try my hardest to make everyone feel comfortable- my family, my parents, my in-laws, the doctors, the lab tech who was subjected to drawing blood from a weeping woman. Most people I don't tell (until now). Other people I reassure that I'm just fine or even find myself apologizing to...the last thing I want to do is deal with anyone else's feelings - because the fact is no one can feel as bad as I do. Wait no...honestly the last thing I want to deal with is any pregnant women.
I lost my baby. I don't know, and I don't care, how much of a baby he (just a feeling) got to develop into before he stopped and got re-absorbed into me.
By the time I saw- everything to support him was there...a sac, a yolk, a placenta sending my body all the cues to be the walking dead and nauseated. No baby though.
We gave it an extra 10 days "just in case" during which time i went between giving in to the reality and strongly believing the best could come true. I think "we" were more hoping that my body would figure out what was going on and take care of things itself. It didn't. It held on as tight as my mind did. Finally I made the decision that was best for everything and had to go in for a D&C. In case you don't know- that's basically an abortion, but in my case it just cleans out an unhealthy pregnancy. I found it ironic that I made it through catholic school, one of the biggest party universities in the country, and being single for all of my twenties without having to go the Hoover route -I may be a little proud even. Then when I'm 33 years old and married with a child, I have to go in for the "procedure." Now I know they are different things. But since I don't have any moral objections to abortion- it's pretty much the same in my head.
So for now I'm pretty sure I'll always hate Easter. I will never look back on my last days working for the law firm fondly. I will always know what happened on the second floor of Kaiser and what I found out on the third floor. Next time the first 12 weeks will be wracked with an additional fear. I'll always trust my body that much less.
In closing, I must add (possibly to make any of you feel better) that I am aware this is a moment in time of an otherwise relatively stellar life. I am aware that great joys (such as parenthood) don't come without the risk of great sorrow. I understand somewhere that this is not an indication of any problem with me or something I've caused. I have found that I have wonderful friends and family (not that I didn't know) that support me in any and all ways possible. I don't believe that things like this happen for a reason or are some part of a bigger plan. I think they just happen. And they suck.
May 3 UPDATE: I wrote this three weeks ago while fasting for my D&C. It's good to remember how I felt, and to know how quickly my mindset has changed. Continuing support from friends and family has been the miracle cure. Mr. P and the nugget are constant reminders of how lucky I am. The D&C was really quite simple and allowed me to avoid a lot of the physical aspects of a natural miscarriage. I feel almost nothing like what I wrote above. I am headed as I type, to Tahoe...nausea-free and ready to indulge in some adult beverages. Would I rather have not gone through that? Yup. Am I going to enjoy my life as it is? Absolutely! But I'm still going to post this because it was very reassuring hearing and reading stories I could relate to, so this is my contribution to the pool. It sucks, but it gets better.

General Updates

Well, I find it difficult to focus on any one subject when it has been so long since I've contributed anything to this blog...yet, so much has happened.  C is 20 months old.  Her favorite things include walking, hopping, "golfing," pushing her piano around the house, mimicking anything and everything anyone does, time-out, Little Einsteins, and dancing.
And there's more....
-She is experimenting with the idea of being a picky eater with a penchant for cookies like her daddy and a milkshake fiend like her mommy.
-She is very selective about who she opens up and flies her freak flag for, but once you are her buddy you have an all access pass to her toys, her ramblings, and her laughter.
- She is slowly growing some hair in daddy's mullet pattern, but we're in no rush since she won't keep anything cute in it.
- Through no encouragement of my own, she has taken to rocking, feeding, and caring for dolls and stuffed animals - while still playing ball and driving her cars all over the house. (and I kind of secretly enjoy watching it)
- She also prefers to wear tutus while doing any activity.
- During the coldest months I finally gave in and started covering her with a blanket at night.
- I have still yet to go a night without getting up to check on her, much less sleeping away from her.  I estimate that's about 600 nights in a row.
- I see what other people see, she totally looks like me.  Makes me appreciate what I look like just a little more.
- She got to the snow in her life approximately 32 years earlier than I did.
Here are a couple of pictures and my solemn promise to TRY to update more:)

Call Me Cinderella

18 Month Appt

Vroooooooooom!

Hop, hop, hop, hop....

Rocking Baby Gloria

Go, Go, Go, and....Sleep.

Words

This couldn't possibly be interesting to anyone other than myself, but as C works so hard to express herself, here is what her vocabulary consists of (and how it really sounds) - and for those of you who say animal noises are not words, I confirmed it with a learned doctor (aka the pediatrician)...

Woof (oouf, oouf)
Meow (Aeaow)
SSSStttth - the noise a snake makes
Quack (cock caulk)
Howdy (owty)
Hey (Hey)
Daddy (Daaatee)
Doggy (Daaatee, but followed by Woof)
Ball (Bahw)
Mama (mmmmahmma)
Nanny (NnnnaNNy)
Cookie (Ccccki - like a throat clearing)

This is on top of the secret language that she shares with Mr. P.  This sounds like "mwi mwi mwi, dubba, dubba, dubba!" at high volumes followed by hysterical laughter from both of them.

Party Like It's 1999 (if 1999 = me surviving a whole year of motherhood)

Well, if you think it took me a long time to get to the post about Charlie's first birthday party, then you'll find it amazing that I still haven't gotten to the Thank You notes.  She has already outgrown some of her presents!  It was a good day- I was less emotional than I thought I'd be...I don't really yearn for any of the time back as much as I stand in total awe of what has become of this little person in just a year's time.  It's so fun to watch that once teeny tiny helpless thing figure out her entire world.
The party was exactly what I wanted it to be.  A mellow day with a LOT of friends and family, good food and drinks, beautiful weather and a fun theme!!! Another plus? I wasn't being cut open, so MUCH improvement from the year before!
All the grandparents, and a great grandparent, were in attendance, along with lots of other people...the nugget was in high demand that day!
After little gym that morning, I dropped C off with my mom to get a proper nap (which is impossible to get with a running stressed mama).  I went home and finished everything up with Mr. P.  Here are some highlights....
I had the most fun with the party favors and am glad that enough kids came to make this fun! I didn't want to include candy because the kids are mostly too young for that so I used Oriental Trading Company and Michaels to add mini beach balls, sticker beach scenes, and leis to beach pails.

Party Favor Buckets

Little Kahuna-ess' Throne (note: Kahuna is unisex in the world, but not in my head)

 I freaking loved the cake, AND it was super duper easy.  One of the best tips I ever received was to buy a Costco cake plain and then decorate it yourself, because for me...that's the fun part!  For this I made a flat sheet of blue jello (which ended up being way tasty to boot), crushed some teddy grahams and let some live (fun fact: one of the teddy grahams is a boy in a speedo and one is a topless chick - the artist gets to decide this stuff). The rest is candy.  I'm not outrageously talented OR creative.  Pinterest. Duh.

The everybody fun cake

 These are my totally un-fun cupcakes that I made for Charlie and any other food-issue kids.  The recipe here on this website I've used for feeding questions and ideas for the last 7 months. I was so afraid of all the stuff in the cake and frosting...but two months later the kid has had- and loved- pancakes, cookies, ice cream, and juice.  She's more of a powerhouse that we thought.

The Gluten-, Dairy-, Soy-, Refined Sugar-free cupcakes for C

 There are so few pictures of me and this bug that I had to post this even if it isn't that great of me.  I don't have a tiny birthday hat on either...that's someone's shorts behind me that are just well placed.

C loving the un-fun bday cupcakes

 This part took the longest...I made the tutu and threw together the head piece out of the left over pieces without checking the size.  It's hugeness was kinda cute.  Also, her onsie says, "Life's A Beach, Then You Turn 1."

Too Cute