Thursday, July 24, 2014

Rules of the Due Date

Amazing! I wrote this entry in a fit of fury 6 days after my due date and 4 days before the baby actually arrived.  I never got around to posting it, but it's useful information. And how could you not trust this face...
The morning I went into labor - $&!%'s about to get real

Am I wrong that there are millions of trillions of pregnant people in the world? Seriously- if you sit at CPK by the mall entrance, you'll see 20 minimum before you finish your Thai peanut rolls. So how do the, admittedly well meaning, people in this society NOT know the basic rules of dealing with a woman waiting to have her baby? Well, let me provide some friendly reminders from the enormous horses mouth...

First general rule- if we don't usually speak frequently AND about my vagina- this is not the time to start. Surprisingly, there are about four people that do fit into this category. You're good.

How are you doing/feeling? 
I'm going to tell you fine or some variation. The real answer? I feel like crap. I'm tired and grumpy and hungry but nauseated. My skin itches, my back hurts, I finally truly look as bad as I feel, and my lower sphincters feel like they are fighting to hold up an eight pound bowling ball. 

Any baby yet?
Well I can only speak for the ONE that I've been growing, no. And rest assured, we will send out texts and Facebook updates and tweets as soon as we're ready. And I've proven in the last 2.5 years that I'm not shy about showing off my offspring. 

Are you in labor?
Do you really think if the answer is yes, that I'm going to be interested in texting someone an update? 

Now you can have the baby...
Or any variation on it being a good time for somebody other than the baby or me for this kid to be born. I couldn't give less of a &$@%, really. 

And I'll add on that any of the above sent as jokes, still blow up my phone in one way or another- and since I'm either cleaning, sleeping, or puking while I change a diaper- it's all adding to the crazy making. 

So thank you all for caring and being excited for us. I promise, without your reminders, that I will remember to have this baby. I promise I'm more excited, more ready, and more curious about when she'll come. I promise that I'm filled with hormones that will make me hate everyone now, but that those will flush out at some point. But for now, leave me alone. 

Monday, January 20, 2014

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

I have a hefty goal. I want to teach my kid (soon to be kidS) a very important lesson. I see the benefits of them cleaning up after themselves, being polite, and sharing- but I KNOW the benefits of teaching them not to sweat the small stuff. In my family, and in generations of most families, this has not been an emphasized skill- so I'm forging new territory. In fact, I'm still a relative newbie at the whole idea. 
This morning we got a perfect lesson. It is the lesson of the proverbial and literal spilled milk...
My wonderful 2.5 year old C not only insisted she get a splash of half and half in her morning drink like Mr. P has, but she wanted to drink the liquid that I know to cause stickiness and a pretty gnarly stench if left too long, from a big cup- no sippy lid. I'm relaxed, not stupid, so the deal was she had to drink at the table. As I chatted with my mom on the phone I watched at least half the drink spread across the table and C began one of her favorite morning activities- finger painting with it. When she finished, the remains  tracked into the tv room and onto the rug. 
At this point I pointed out that the milk got a little messy ("yeah, messy" she agreed). Luckily she also likes to "clean" so I gave her some paper towels and let her start spreading it about before I stepped in with my green spray and nonchalantly "really cleaned." And here's where I got proud- as we wiped up together, she said "all clean, no big deal."  No. Big. Deal. I try to throw it in as much as possible. Yes, there are big deals in her world- going in the street without a grown up, being gentle with little babies, etc. But for the most part, pretty much everything ends up being "no big deal." And it seems to be sinking in for her. 
Also, she rode a roller coaster yesterday, which I've never done- I gave birth to awesome sauce!