Thursday, July 24, 2014

Rules of the Due Date

Amazing! I wrote this entry in a fit of fury 6 days after my due date and 4 days before the baby actually arrived.  I never got around to posting it, but it's useful information. And how could you not trust this face...
The morning I went into labor - $&!%'s about to get real

Am I wrong that there are millions of trillions of pregnant people in the world? Seriously- if you sit at CPK by the mall entrance, you'll see 20 minimum before you finish your Thai peanut rolls. So how do the, admittedly well meaning, people in this society NOT know the basic rules of dealing with a woman waiting to have her baby? Well, let me provide some friendly reminders from the enormous horses mouth...

First general rule- if we don't usually speak frequently AND about my vagina- this is not the time to start. Surprisingly, there are about four people that do fit into this category. You're good.

How are you doing/feeling? 
I'm going to tell you fine or some variation. The real answer? I feel like crap. I'm tired and grumpy and hungry but nauseated. My skin itches, my back hurts, I finally truly look as bad as I feel, and my lower sphincters feel like they are fighting to hold up an eight pound bowling ball. 

Any baby yet?
Well I can only speak for the ONE that I've been growing, no. And rest assured, we will send out texts and Facebook updates and tweets as soon as we're ready. And I've proven in the last 2.5 years that I'm not shy about showing off my offspring. 

Are you in labor?
Do you really think if the answer is yes, that I'm going to be interested in texting someone an update? 

Now you can have the baby...
Or any variation on it being a good time for somebody other than the baby or me for this kid to be born. I couldn't give less of a &$@%, really. 

And I'll add on that any of the above sent as jokes, still blow up my phone in one way or another- and since I'm either cleaning, sleeping, or puking while I change a diaper- it's all adding to the crazy making. 

So thank you all for caring and being excited for us. I promise, without your reminders, that I will remember to have this baby. I promise I'm more excited, more ready, and more curious about when she'll come. I promise that I'm filled with hormones that will make me hate everyone now, but that those will flush out at some point. But for now, leave me alone.