More likely than not, this unconditional self-love will be gone before she even has a memory of it and that totally breaks my heart in a million different pieces.
When I found out I was having a girl I was a little stunned - mostly because I recall myself, and how difficult I was from age 12 through...well, I'll let you know when it goes away. At first I thought how difficult it was for my parents...emotions that couldn't be named or explained, but were nonetheless spilling out of me. An unpredictable swinging pendulum that could take out a grown man in the blink of an eye. And a sudden awareness - nay, INSISTENCE - of everything real and imagined that was wrong with me, my looks in particular. But now that she's here and I want perfection for her life, I remember how much it royally sucked for me too. By junior high I could stare into a mirror and criticize what I saw endlessly - in high school, it got worse despite the fact that photographic evidence proves quite the contrary. AND it's STILL going...it's really a big cluster &%$# because crazy hormones when you're young add to it, but then aging adds to it, then pregnancy and crazy body changes, and finally menopause. As a friend of mine once said, "as men age, they start looking more like Sean Connery, but as women age they start to look more like...Sean Connery." He's an ass. But he's not totally wrong. Despite this fact, I want to break this cycle...
As I had one of my not-rare-enough, exhaustion and guilt fueled, mini breakdowns the other evening (probably a Wednesday - those suck) I blabbered to wide-eyed mister, "I'm not saying this so that you'll try to make me feel better like 'one of THOSE girls' but sometimes I really feel like I suck at everything and am so uuuuugggggllllyyy <sniff, sniff>" To which he responded, "'so should I not tell you that you aren't or...." I then calmed down and explained that I need to change ME (as in my thought patterns, not plastic surgery). If not FOR me, then for C - because neither of us want to find out in 12 years that she has posted her picture on the world wide web asking total pervy strangers if she "Hot or Not."
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| Totally Confident Katie |
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| Not-so-confident Katie |
<3!!! Such an honest and thought provoking blog post. When I first met you, My lack of confidence made me wonder if I could ever be cool enough to be your friend and sometimes I am still shocked I made the cut. So everyone has been there before and bravo to you for voicing it and wishing something different for your daughter. She is lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteYou mean we BOTH had low self-esteem in high school even though we were basically living poolside BayWatch?! Go figure!
DeleteYou forgot to include one of the most stunning photos of you ever - your senior portrait! You could hear me gasp for three counties when I received that one...you totally oozed confidence and beauty and contentment, the last one being the most important. We all go through the ugly phase - excuse me, the AWKWARD, not ugly, phase - but as long as that personality comes through, the awkwardness disappears. Our family is not known for encouraging differences, but you have always stood out as someone who actively tries to be comfortable in her own skin, and I've always envied you for that. The more I see you w/C and Jake, the more pronounced that is. Just keep on keepin' on, sweetie - you'll be fine, and so will she.
ReplyDeleteI know the photo you are talking about, and whatever the photo oozed, I did not carry an ounce of confidence or contentment at the time. Point being - whatever the cameras or other people see in C I want her to see herself as perfect.
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