Thursday, April 11, 2013

No, I'm Not...But I Was.

"Does anything hurt?" I've been asked this more in the last two weeks than any other time I remember. I keep answering "no," but all I want to say is "my heart."
It's interesting that the saddest thing I ever remember happening to me leads me to try my hardest to make everyone feel comfortable- my family, my parents, my in-laws, the doctors, the lab tech who was subjected to drawing blood from a weeping woman. Most people I don't tell (until now). Other people I reassure that I'm just fine or even find myself apologizing to...the last thing I want to do is deal with anyone else's feelings - because the fact is no one can feel as bad as I do. Wait no...honestly the last thing I want to deal with is any pregnant women.
I lost my baby. I don't know, and I don't care, how much of a baby he (just a feeling) got to develop into before he stopped and got re-absorbed into me.
By the time I saw- everything to support him was there...a sac, a yolk, a placenta sending my body all the cues to be the walking dead and nauseated. No baby though.
We gave it an extra 10 days "just in case" during which time i went between giving in to the reality and strongly believing the best could come true. I think "we" were more hoping that my body would figure out what was going on and take care of things itself. It didn't. It held on as tight as my mind did. Finally I made the decision that was best for everything and had to go in for a D&C. In case you don't know- that's basically an abortion, but in my case it just cleans out an unhealthy pregnancy. I found it ironic that I made it through catholic school, one of the biggest party universities in the country, and being single for all of my twenties without having to go the Hoover route -I may be a little proud even. Then when I'm 33 years old and married with a child, I have to go in for the "procedure." Now I know they are different things. But since I don't have any moral objections to abortion- it's pretty much the same in my head.
So for now I'm pretty sure I'll always hate Easter. I will never look back on my last days working for the law firm fondly. I will always know what happened on the second floor of Kaiser and what I found out on the third floor. Next time the first 12 weeks will be wracked with an additional fear. I'll always trust my body that much less.
In closing, I must add (possibly to make any of you feel better) that I am aware this is a moment in time of an otherwise relatively stellar life. I am aware that great joys (such as parenthood) don't come without the risk of great sorrow. I understand somewhere that this is not an indication of any problem with me or something I've caused. I have found that I have wonderful friends and family (not that I didn't know) that support me in any and all ways possible. I don't believe that things like this happen for a reason or are some part of a bigger plan. I think they just happen. And they suck.
May 3 UPDATE: I wrote this three weeks ago while fasting for my D&C. It's good to remember how I felt, and to know how quickly my mindset has changed. Continuing support from friends and family has been the miracle cure. Mr. P and the nugget are constant reminders of how lucky I am. The D&C was really quite simple and allowed me to avoid a lot of the physical aspects of a natural miscarriage. I feel almost nothing like what I wrote above. I am headed as I type, to Tahoe...nausea-free and ready to indulge in some adult beverages. Would I rather have not gone through that? Yup. Am I going to enjoy my life as it is? Absolutely! But I'm still going to post this because it was very reassuring hearing and reading stories I could relate to, so this is my contribution to the pool. It sucks, but it gets better.

1 comment:

  1. Katie, love, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Boy, you and M have to stop spending so much time together! Seriously, you wrote beautifully about what is not a very beautiful event. Prayers and good wishes for your health & happiness.