Best of the Barfs - 10 Stories of Puke Survival

In case the title doesn't clue you in, this is a really gross post - the picture is just meant to ease the "blow" if you will. Barfing is not pretty, even when attached to the process of creating life. So if you don't want to be grossed out, or you're a sympathetic puker, or you just don't care to read about it, then stop HERE. However, if you're interested in what have been some of the funnier puke stories in this nuggest's journey - read on.

The "1st Puke": It was morning - so cliche for pregnancy. It wasn't too exciting but was a shadow of things to come as it happened as I was brushing my teeth and I couldn't decide if I thought it would be better to barf in the sink or brush my teeth over the toilet. The jury is still out on that one....

The "Stuffing" Puke: In the "early days" Mr. P begged me to emerge from the bedroom for 1/2 hour stints to watch a DVR'd show together. Those were our dates, and even those were few and far between. Usually I would grab a pillow and come out tear stained and plop myself on the couch until the first closing credit when I scrambled back into my hole. One day Jake decided to enjoy a dinner of stuffing and a show with his best girl. He asked me to come out, I obliged, smelled the stuffing, and had to RUN to the bathroom to throw up. I came out and asked him for a rain check. Kindly, he obliged. I'm already NOT looking forward to next Thanksgiving.

The "First Car Puke" Puke: I was driving home and got to the U-turn I need to make just to get to my driveway. At the light, as my R.N. cousin was chatting me up, I got a wave of nausea. I grabbed a bag, kept my ear piece in, steared my car around the U-turn and puked all in one very graceful move. From here I became extremely good at puking in the car - while driving, and sometimes even while talking (hands free) on the phone. I consider it training for mommyhood, so don't knock it.

The "Married Comedy Team" Puke: On one of my many evening puke parades, after I had discovered the benefits of bringing the iPhone into the bathroom so I could multi-task. I felt like I was spending all my time in our bathroom, so I texted Mr. P, "I'm moving into the bathroom for good." haha, I'm funny. A pregnant chick with a sense of humor, aren't I great? He responded, "Ok. Want a pillow?" Damn, he beat me on the funny. AND he wasn't puking.

The "Christmas Suprise" Puke: Christmas morning I had a bite to eat, relaxed and we headed out in Mr. P's car (which rides as smooth as a schoolbus) for the 2.something mile ride to my mom's house. While our complex was still in sight by way of rearview mirror, I grabbed one of my car barf bags and started throwing up. By this time Mr. P (a self-professed puke-a-phobe) was getting a little more used to it...but then I realized the bag was folded over and I was puking down the front of myself and all over the car seat. He proposed we turn around but I said just get to my mom's house. This was one of the many times during pregnancy I just wanted my mommy.

The "FIRST fart induced Puke" Puke: The Leadbetters made us a WONDERFUL Polish meal one Sunday evening. I got stuffed and so did Mr. P - off a meal that had a lot of cabbage. By the time we got in the shakey-schoolbus-ride, Mr. P started firing off his "discomfort" that he was holding in...causing me to start puking. The rest of the ride home was like a disgusting symphony - peppered in laughter.

The "SECOND fart induced Puke" Puke: I'm not sure what the stomach irritating food of the day was - but in the small room we are staying in at my mom's house, it was pungent. I started laughing at the stink, then realized I was going to puke...but the laughter didn't stop. In fact, I ran into the bathroom and the laughter and puke took turns. And my mom heard both - and knocked on the door wondering about the insane laughing hyena puking in the hall bathroom. That one is going to embarrass Mr. P.

The "I'm Good, You Go Ahead" Puke: Once I started feeling (relatively) better, I was yearning for some time out, especially girl time. I was lucky enough to get a spot on the busiest social calendar in the Bay Area, Anne. We had a lovely meal, and she SAVED my emotions by sending me to a wonderful pregnancy blog that shows not everyone loves it. After dinner we stepped out and hugged...I said I had to go but before getting in my car, started puking in the street. She sort of stalled...we had said our goodbyes, but circumstances had changed fast. She wanted to help - she's sweet like that. But as I stood in the street hidden by my mere nugget of a car, seemingly only barfing in her eyes...I began to pee my pants. I waved her on....don't worry, I'm good - and even threw out a smile!:) I puked and peed all the way home. Thank you to whoever created leather seats in cars.

The "NOW I'm going home" Puke: I've spent a lot of time at work feeling, as my mom calls it, CRUMMY. And even if I don't at first, something (like possibly the weird mumbling stinky chick in the bathroom?!) will take me there pretty quick. So I was sitting at work feeling yuck...had kicked off my high heeled, buckled shoes, and was doing not much of anything. Suddenly I got a "rush puke" which means I break into a sweat and am going to errupt regardless of the enviornment. I try to breath through it as I try to get my shoes on, but the breathing becomes whimpering and when my dad walks by my desk, it turns into tears. He ends up having to buckle my shoes so I can go puke (bet THAT took him back!). By the time I make it into the bathroom, I am puking, crying and my nose is bleeding (this is close to the EVERY ORIFICE puke). When I was done...I went home.

The "Every Orifice" Puke: I stood in the kitchen with my mom talking about how I had gotten a nasty cold just before the long awaited birth of my nephew, Aidan. Me with my runny nose, started, yet again, to cry. It got harder and harder and my mom watched knowingly as I started nervously glancing from the sink to the puppy training pads on the floor of the bathroom. My mom said, "SINK!" and I turned towards the sink and started exploding from my mouth...all the while tears were flowing and my nose was it's own faucet. Starting on about the 3rd second of violent puking, the surges caused me to toot and then I started peeing my pants. I know...that's incredibly gross.

So those are my 10 best of's....so far. I know I should be totally embarrassed by some of these stories, not to mention placing them on the internet for WORLD consumption. Peeing your pants isn't sexy, nor is puking or bloody noses (although my husband somehow hasn't lost interest). However, I consider these a badge of honor. THIS is the journey I took with this little nugget, and one day we will laugh about it together. After I've taken it out on her in cruel, cruel ways.